Bird Food and Other Unmentionables

So I get made fun of.  A lot.  And it's from the people who are supposed to love me the most.  Yes, it's my dear family.  Now, they're not making fun of me because my hair looks odd...course it does, I have long since given up on trying to control the beast that my hair is.  They're not making fun of the way I dress...course there's room for a joke or two ten there.  Where do they find such fodder for fun making?  Well, of all places, it's the grub I put in my mouth.  You see, I change my diet.  Way more often than the average bear.  I'm on this eternal quest to find something that works for me, makes me feel good ("nutrified" is what we call it 'round these parts), causes minimal gas (yes, I said it), and meets all my ethical requirements (really I'd prefer if no animal had to die just so I could eat). 

Anyway, since Christmas I've been eating almost solely raw foods.  Yup, raw fruits, veggies, raw nuts, soaked grains, and some dehydrated stuff that has scored particularly low amongst my housemates (ya...the infamous kale).

So, this all rose to a bit of a head with my little guy tonight.  I made the grave error of using his school water bottle last night to have one of my green smoothies in.  Now, I must say that I washed this bottle in our sterilizing dishwasher, so I assumed all was cool.  But....


Little guy:  "Mom, I couldn't drink my water today.  There was green stuff floating all at the top."

Me:  "Oh, no!  I'm sorry!  Did you pour it out and refill it?"

Little guy:  "No way.  I didn't trust the bottle after that."


He sat down at the table beside me and watched me pour a bowl of chia, buckwheat, and hemp cereal.


Little guy:  "Can I try it?"

Me:  "Sure!"  Yes, I was getting way more excited than was warranted, but this kid is reluctant to try much of anything these days.


He pinched just a bit and put it in his mouth.


Little guy:  "It's bird food, mom."

Me:  "You're supposed to let it soak for five minutes before you eat it."

Little guy:  "You know what your diet is?  It's green baby diarrhea and bird food.  You're disgusting, mom."


And then he farted.


Me:  "That little bit of bird food did not cause that!"

Hmmmmm...I'm "disgusting"?

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The Monster at the Foot of the Bed

We've all had this happen, right?  You hear something in the middle of the night that wakes you up.  You stay snuggled under your sheets, ears on active duty, listening for any repeat of the sound.  You hear what must be, has to be, shuffling feet.  Your hair stands on end as you realize that the sound is now in your bedroom.  You slowly, very bravely stupidly turn your head and raise up ever so slightly.  You see, inspite of your poor no-glasses-on vision, a huge human-like figure at the foot of your bed.  The figure leans forward and you hear a scratching sound on the covers.


Me:  "What are you doing?"

Big guy:  "I'm getting the cat."

Me:  "Not cool, dude...not cool."


Freakin' catnapper!

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Caught on Tape

I watched the video from my wedding (twenty-one-and-a-half-years ago) tonight.  I haven't watched it since right after the ceremony.  And, you know what?  I have pretty much no memories from that day.  It was like watching someone else getting married except it was me, of course.  Anyway, super nice to see.

Here are my favorite things about it:

We looked so young!

I used the word "y'all" A LOT!

So many precious people came!  Who knew?!?!

I cried during the ceremony...how sweet is that?

I grabbed my chi-chis and said, "My dad looked at these earlier and said, 'Where'd those come from?'"  I had had to stuff my bra to fill out the dress.

My dress made me look like I was a HUGE wedding cake.  I had a 100% cotton dress I'd gotten at a thrift store.  It was apparently too long for me and wouldn't have been easy to hem.  I hated the idea of heels, so to fill out the dress so it would fit I wore a hoop slip and a petticoat so I could wear flats.

After the ceremony I walked around holding the entirety of the skirt/hoop/petticoat in a ball in front of me making me look quite pregnant.  Hey, it was July in Texas and I was HOT!

My grand finale?  I mooned a group of my friends...there are bribe-worthy shots somewhere out there in the universe!


I was a sassy, strong-willed bride, without a doubt.

And, getting married?  Best decision I ever made!

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My "Aha" Moment

It's a bit of a running theme...my family's daily attempts to scare the living tar out of me and all.  Well, two awesome things happened yesterday.  Things so awesome that my family will have to rethink their scare tactics.  Hmmmm...suppose that could be bad news ultimately, but for now I shall celebrate!


Thing #1:  Dave came into the bedroom, all sneaky snake like, got right behind me and lingered.  Me?  I was sitting on the bed, peacefully minding my own darn business, holding a bowl of cut up bell pepper, and watching something on Netflix as I munched.  After he lingered a bit, totally unbeknownst to me, of course, he came around the side.

Dave:  "I could've scared you really bad just now."

Me:  "I'm glad you didn't.  What stopped you?"

Dave:  "You were holding a bowl of bell pepper...I didn't want you to end up throwing it all over the room."


Thing #2:  I was walking into my room from the kitchen.  Little guy was following close behind...very, very close...not that I noticed.  When I got to my bedroom I turned the corner and headed straight toward a mirror.  And, what did I see?  Well, by golly, I saw my huge kid behind me towering over me, of course.

Little guy:  "Dang it!  I used to be able to hide behind you."

Me:  "That's what you get for growing."

Little guy:  "You're too short."


Now, not to go all Oprah on you or anything, but I had a serious "Aha" moment.  Bell pepper is officially better than garlic, wooden stakes, and silver bullets when you're avoiding being scared, and being short absolutely has its benefits!

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Hug Currency

Every day when I get home from work I dump my load (backpack, sweater, etc.) on the kitchen table...making Dave a little scowly...and then I go to my big guy's room.  I knock first, then enter.  And what does that guy do?  Well, pretty much each and every day he gets up, walks over to me, picks me up, and gives me a huge bear hug.  You'll need to picture this.  He weighs way over twice what I do and towers over me.  I feel like a little kid!  So, what do I do?  I close my eyes and embrace the embrace, of course.  Funny thing, though.  When I get around to opening my eyes, somehow I've always been transported to the kitchen.


Big guy:  "I'm hungry mom.  I haven't eaten all day."


The kid has about a 50/50 success rate with that request, all depending on my mood and energy level.  The kid's smart, though.  He knows that big ol' hug is working enough to justify itself.

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Torque, Twerp, Twerk

The little guy was in the kitchen with me the other night.  I was whooping up something fabulous, I'm sure.  He started playing some music and I started to shake my groove thang.  Usually a sure way to get him to turn said music off.  But this time I must've caught his interest from the slanted, sceptical look he was giving me.


Little guy:  "Are you trying to twerk?"

Me:  "'Torque?'  What's that?"

Little guy:  "No, twerk!"

Me:  "'Twerp?'"

Little guy:  "TWERK!!"

Me:  "I don't know what that is, but was I doing a great job of it?"

Little guy:  "No, that's why I said 'trying'."


And then he and his iPod left.  I am so going to google "Twerk" and get those moves down!


P.S.  OK, never mind.  I just looked it up.  There's no way I could ever come close to mastering that.  And, the way I was dancing so did not resemble twerking.

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Puppy Love

How much does my husband love our dogs?  Well, he loves them so much that he actually writes poetry for them and then sets it to music.  Close your eyes now and just imagine this much love coming your way...

Poopy doopy do, I love youuuuuuu!

Poopy doopy do, you are a schnukums.

Poopy doopy do, you stole my shoe.

Poopy doopy do, I love youuuuuuuu!

 And this, my friends, is one of the millions of reasons why I love my husband so!

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